<Begin Log>
Agent ████: Can you tell me what happened in there?
Mr. ████████: I don't know!
Agent ████: Please, tell me.
Mr. ████████: Well, when I got into the movie I realized after I had opened the straw that my friends had already gotten me one, so I just played with the extra one, you know, just measuring it between two fingers, tapping it on my hand, the chair, whatever. After it was over, I kept the straw because I get really attached to things, like one time when I was little…
[Mr. ████████ proceeds to go on for several minutes talking about "pets" he had.]
Agent ████: Mr. ████████, could you please tell me about what happened when you got home from the movies?
Mr. ████████: Oh yeah. So anyway, I take the straw home and put it on my nightstand because I was gonna go to sleep, right, because of the midnight showing. But when I put it on my nightstand it hit a statue on there that had fallen over and I hadn't picked up yet. The thing just bolted upright and scared the [EXPLETIVE REMOVED] out of me! So I turn the lights on again and pick up the straw, right? Anyway, so I hit the statue with the straw again and nothing happens. I pick it up and nothing happens. So then I tap a book in my bookshelf that happens to be fallen over and boom! All the books, like, fly out of the shelf and the book I hit was still in it, completely straight.
Agent ████: So the book was-
Mr. ████████: (ignoring Agent ████) So I call in my roommate, ███, right? I tell him to take the book because if that thing was gonna do anything crazy, better him than me, yeah? And as he takes the book and has it in his hand the book flips the [EXPLETIVE REMOVED] out and spins all crazy and kinda slides around in the air, sending ███ flying and tearing his [EXPLETIVE REMOVED] arm off! So I guess he kinda passes out or something, I don't remember, but the book doesn't stop! It keeps spinning around and just sorta floats at the same level, smacking into things. I ducked and ran out of the room with the straw in my hand. I heard this sort of cracking sound that I guess was my bookshelf breaking, but I didn't look back, no sir! I ran away, and then there was this car. I guess I must've hit the car's front tire or something because I was getting outta there but all the sudden the tire just starts flipping out like the book! It sent the car flying and the metal got all churned up like it was in a garbage disposal or something! I think it dislodged the whole axle or something.
Agent ████: So that accounts for three out of ██ deaths; when did you commit the other ██?
Mr. ████████: Look, none of this is my fault! Not until the last █!
Agent ████: You did these on purpose?
Mr. ████████: Well yeah! I mean, my boss is kind of a [EXPLETIVES REMOVED], so I went to the office (I work at a place that goes all night for the guys that wanna work then I guess) and tapped the [EXPLETIVE REMOVED] outta everything. After I hit like twenty things, I kick each of 'em, and the room starts to get destroyed and computers are drilling through the walls and cubicles and shelves are spinning around like saw blades bashing peoples' heads in and the stupid fish tank is spinning around but the water's staying inside because of centipedal force or something and I just can't keep from laughing while all of this is happening and I'm watching from the floor! I mean, I always pictured Janine's head being lopped off but to see it in person was amazing!
<End Log>