 |
|
| SCP-XXX-1 |
|---|
Item #: SCP-XXX-EX
Object Class: Euclid N/A
Special Containment Procedures: At least ██ guards are to patrol the area surrounding SCP-XXX-1, with orders to subdue anyone attempting to approach within 20 meters of SCP-XXX-1 without explicit permission from O5-█. In case of SCP-XXX-2 manifestation, all personnel within a 1 km radius are to evacuate immediately.
Description: SCP-XXX-EX-1 is a Victorian-style house, located in ████████████, Georgia. Known by the community as "████████ Manor", SCP-XXX-1 was built in 18██. It had belonged to the ████████████████ family for over █ generations, until Alfred G. ████████████████ donated his estate to [REDACTED] State Park 20██. Since then, the house has become a minor tourist attraction, thanks to rumors of being built on an a Cherokee burial ground reportedly dating back to the early ██th century.
SCP-XXX-2 is a spectral entity resembling Chief [REDACTED], who was reportedly buried on the site of SCP-XXX-1 in 17██, after succumbing to a bout of smallpox no doubt carried by European settlers. During manifestations, SCP-XXX-2 appears to be wearing a feathered headdress and brandishing a tomahawk, and frequently announces it's presence with a "War Holler" whos mimetic properties include [DATA EXPUNGED]. The entity is unstoppable by conventional means, and has the stated goal of "driving you white folk off our land". In addition, individuals who make direct eye contact with SCP-XXX-2 incur a number of anomalous effects, including increased heart rate, lowered blood pressure, impairment of short-term and working memory, psychomotor coordination, and concentration (see Document-XXX-Y). As of yet, SCP-XXX-1 has remained content with staying within the confines of SCP-XXX-1. However, Incident XXX-Y has shown that SCP-XXX-1 is perfectly capable of leaving SCP-XXX-1. Why the entity has not chosen to leave SCP-XXX-1 is not known at this time.
Addendum: [Optional additional paragraphs]
Warning: SCP-XXX-J is highly confidential. Please fill out Form-███████-28-J before proceeding.
Form-███████-28-J
Your Last Name:__________________________________ Your Level of Clearance:___________________________ An Odd Number:_________________________________ A Profession:____________________________________ A Noun:________________________________________ Your Shoe Size:__________________________________ A type of food:___________________________________ Small Number:___________________________________ A Greek Letter ___________________________________ A Senior Staff Member:____________________________ Your Favorite TV Show_____________________________ American Football Team:___________________________ An Adjective:____________________________________ Another Adjective:_______________________________ An Animal:______________________________________ A Famous Person:________________________________ An even number: ________________________________ Your Least Favorite Teacher: _______________________ Something cheap:________________________________ Somewhere heavily guarded: ______________________ A body part:____________________________________ A Greek Letter ___________________________________ A German Last Name: ____________________________ A Made-Up Town _________________________________
Item #: SCP-XXX-J
Object Class:
Special Containment Procedures:
"Dr. Alto Clef." Gendo Ikari steepled his fingers. "Your presence here in Tokyo-3 is… unexpected to say the least."
"Yeah, well, that was kind of the point." Dr. Clef tossed a crumpled stack of papers onto Dr. Ikari's desk. "The higher-ups ordered a surprise inspection, and appointed yours truly as investigator numero uno, and in a worst case scenario I'm to take control of the base myself."
Dr Ikari glanced at the paperwork. "This really isn't necessary, you know. You know as well as I do that Site-49 is perfectly capable of running itself."
Dr. Clef gave Dr. Ikari a suspicous look. "Riiiiiiggghhht…" he said. "So that assistant director who turned out to be a double agent that your yourself appointed was…?"
"Nothing more than a mistake on my part." Dr. Ikari steepled his fingers. "Belive me, I have nothing more than the Foundation's best interests in mind…"
"I'll be the judge of that." Dr. Clef looked at his watch. "Look, I don't like assignment and neither do you, so lets just get it over with as quickly as possible, okay?"
"Very well then." Dr. Ikari got up from his chair. "Where shall we begin?"
Dr. Clef walked down the hallway, surveying each of the glass-walled containment cells as he passed by.
"So… what is this, again?" he asked the blonde young man accompanying him.
"This is our Anomalous Humanoid Containment facility." said Dr. Light Yagami. "As you know, we get a disproportionate number of humanoid entities here in Site-49, so we needed to build a special facility just to contain them all. True, there is a greater than risk of containment beach, but Agent Zero assures us that-"
Suddenly, a dog-eared man with long, silver hair dressed in a red Kimono slammed against the window of his cell, and began to scream. "Damn you, Yagami, you son-of-a-bitch!" he said, "When I get out of here I'm going to tear your throat out! You hear me? You and that freaky clown!"
Dr. Clef eased away from the window. "…shouldn't you be a bit more concerned?"
"I wouldn't worry about it." said Yagami. "That's just SCP-7328. He's been under the delusion that I'm being stalked by a 'death god'. Crazy right?"
"For the last time…!" the SCP screamed "…my name is Inuyasha! IN-YU-YASHA!" he pounded out each syllable for emphasis. "And are you people blind?! He's RIGHT THERE! BEHIND YOU! How can you not see him?!"
"…actually I was more concerned about him making good on his promise." said Dr. Clef, glancing over his own shoulder. "Are you sure this room is safe?"
"Nah, it's okay." said Dr. Yagami, pointing at the window. "This may look like ordinary glass, but it's actually a transparent nanoweave mesh seven thousand times stronger than steel. Even 682 would have a hard time breaking it."
"Uh… right." said Dr. Clef, who was still looking around the room for the 'death god'. "Can I speak with the head of security?"
"Sure thing." Dr Yagami pointed down the hallway. "Just take that elevator back up to the third basement, take a left turn at the corridor, and just follow the signs until you get there."
"Erm, thanks." And with that, Dr. Clef set off on his own, leaving Inuyasha and Dr. Yagami alone with the death god.
"So what did you think of that one?" said Light. "Do you think he suspects anything?"
"I think he suspects a lot of things." Ryuk responded. "Probably not anything specific, though."
"Okay, now you're just taunting me!" Inyuyasha began pounding on the glass. "Cut it out!"
Ryuk chuckled as he stared into Inyuyasha's cell. "And thanks for bringing me back to see this guy." he said. "It's always funny to watch him flip out like this…"
"You guys are SO dead when I get out of here!"
"I assure you, I have everything under control." said Agent Zero.
Dr. Clef, however, was less than convinced. Maybe it was arrogant way that he carried himself, or the subtle inflection of his voice that made his claims seem too good to be true…
Or maybe it was the fact that he was dressed like a rejected Power Ranger. After all, a purple coat, black cape, and face-obscuring helmet was not exactly the foundation uniform. Then again, Dr. Clef's co-workers included a talking dog, and a mind-controlling amulet possessing the body of an orangutan, so what did he know?
"Well, everything certainly LOOKS in order…" clef glared at the masked man. "Still, I'm rather concerned about your policy of establishing offsite strongholds…"
"I understand your concern completely, doctor." said Zero. "If I were you, I would say that these were the actions of a man planning to start a rebellion."
Dr Clef frowned. "Are they?"
"Only if I had a reason to. Such as, for instance, if the foundation were to grow corrupt, or had lost sight of it's original purpose…"
"…or if a site was compromised by an enemy faction." Replied Clef. "Is that what you're saying?"
Zero nodded. "That COULD be the case, yes…" Zero paused to let the message sink in. "But it's actual purpose is to cut down on transportation costs by having men available in various key regions without having to establish additional task forces."
"Ah yes, how silly of me…" Dr. Clef raised an eyebrow…
"This is SCP-4218-01, right?" Dr Clef stared at the giant purple robot suspended in the cooling tank.
"That is it's official designation, yes." said Dr. Yuki Nagato. "But for the purpose of linguistic convenience, it also bears the title 'EVANGELION UNIT-01'."
"I see…" Dr. Clef stroked his chin. "What's it do?"
"I'm afraid that's classified." Yuki replied.
"Why do you need teenagers to pilot it?"
"Also classified."
"What kind of weapons does it have?"
"Classified."
Dr. Clef shook his head. "…is there anything you can tell me about this thing that isn't classified?"
Yuki turned to stare at the Evangelion for a full minute, and then turned back to the doctor. "It's purple."
Dr. Clef rubbed his forhead. "Okay, lets take this from the top. Your name is… what now?"
"My name is Dr. Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tivrusky the Fourth, Ultra Foundation Basketball Playing Computer Guru Samurai extraordinare!" The red-haired kid begain to spin around in her office chair, and shouted "WEEEEEEE!"
Dr. Clef grimaced. He never liked kids that much. "And how did you get this job again?"
Edward was now making a cat's cradle out of a pair of rubber bands, while simultaneously typing on her computer's keyboard with her feet. "I hacked into this encrypted server one day to pull a prank, and then the black helicopters arrived so creepy glasses man could give me a job!"
There was a resounding "thud" as Dr. Clef forehead made contact with the desk in front of him.
Dr. Clef stepped into the office of Site-49's assistant director. "Excuse me: I was hoping I could have a word with you about your staff…"
"DESPAIR! THE SURPRISE INSPECTION HAS LEFT ME IN DESPAIR!" the assistant director wailed. "Dr. Clef is surely here to take my position, and now I'm going to be demoted to D-Class so I can be shoved into that mountain with all the people-shaped holes!"
"Uh… I only wanted to…"
"I DON'T WANT TO BE A STICK FIGURE!" he removed a noose from his desk drawer, and tied it to the ceiling fan. "My only choice is to end it all! Good-bye cruel world!"
The ceiling fan then collapsed upon the assistant director, whereupon he curled up into a fetal position and began to cry.
Dr. Clef began to slowly back out of the office…
"So, how was your visit, doctor?" asked Gendo Ikari.
"Fucking terrible." said Clef. "Your containment facility is just asking for a mass breakout, your assistant director is a nervous wreck, and the rest of your staff are weirdos."
"I see…" Dr. Ikari steepled his fingers once again. "So will you be taking control of Site-49, then?"
"Fuck no!" said Dr. Clef. "This place is a time bomb just waiting to go off, and the foundation's not going to have anything to do with it." Dr. Clef began to storm out of the office. "Enjoy your last days, asshole." he said before slamming the door.
Audio log recovered from [DATA EXPUNGED]
SEELE-01: How did the 'surprise' inspection go?
Gendo Ikari: Exactly as planned: The Foundation now wants as little to do with Site-49 as possible.
SEELE-07: Excellent. Now the human instrumentality project will proceed as planned…
THE END?
Immediately after Dr. Clef left, Agent Suzumiya walked into the room. "So did it work?" she said.
"Yep." said Gendo. "Now that Dr. Clef is gone, nobody will ever tear us apart."
"Oh, Gendo…" Haruhi said, staring into Gendo's dreamy, almond-shaped eyes.
And then sloppy makeouts forever.
Dr. Edison sneezed into the telephone. It had been a long day keeping the eldrich horrors contained within Site-██ locked up, and the good doctor was in no mood to catch a cold. The fact that Site-██ was in Antarctica didn't help things. "Sorry doc." he said. "I don't think I caught that. You're saying my what went where now?"
"Your movie! The one that got you transferred to Antarctica!" said Dr. King. "It's becoming a cult classic! The O5 are in an uproar! Haven't you been paying attention?"
"Attention?" Edison replied. "Attention to what?"
And now it's time for Bum Reviews, with Chester A. Bum.
Tonight's review: The SCP Foundation
OHHHH MY GOD, THIS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE![DATA EXSPOILERS!]
So there are these guys, called the SCP Foundation, and they're this secret government organization run by Tommy Wissau dedicated to investigating paranormal stuff!
I WAS A PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR, ONCE!
Oh, wait, that was just a TV show. What was it called again? Oh yeah: Baywatch Nights!
But there's also this organization of eeeevil terrorists who kidnap a vampire overlord… who is played by the guy from Twilight for some reason.
Boy, that Edward guy has fallen on hard times, hasn't he?
But to make matters worse, there's an eeevil arms dealer working for the terrorists, who wants to destroy the SCP foundation so that he can… drill for oil, or something.
Yeah, I don't get it either.
So Tommy Wisau calls his top scientists, and tells them that they need to stop the terrorists before the vampire Apocalypse happens!
"Uh, boss? Wouldn't it be a better idea to just tell the army about this or something?"
"Ha ha ha funny story, Mark."
PHELOUS: So that was The SCP Foundation, another disappointingly shitty movie from "Zhe Only Fucking Geinus in Zhe Buisness" and those guys who made Epic Movie. Oh, and in case you just clicked this video by accidenthere I'm Phelous the Canadian internet review guy from ThatGuyWithTheGlasses dot com, for those folks who just watch the end of videos without any context.
PHELOUS: OOOOOOOOOHHHH! Do you see what I just did there? I just made fun of something really stupid that the movie did in my end-of-review skit that they thought was funny but really wasn't! I am being soooo funny right now!
PHELOUS: OOOOOOOOOHHHH! I just explained the joke that I just made five seconds ago! More comic goooolllld!
*"Dr Clef" (obviously played by Phelous in a suit and gorilla mask) walks into the room brandishing a Ukalale-Shotgun.*
"DR. CLEF": You've made terrible meta-jokes for the last time, Phelous. I'm here to take away your Internet licence forever!
PHELOUS: Noooooo! How could this happen to meeeeeeee? *Breaks into song* I made my mistakeeeessss! There's nowhere to ruuuun, the night goes ooooooon and I'm fading awaaaaayyyyyy!
*Dr. Clef shoots Phelous. Phelous begins regenerating time-lord style for about 10 seconds while Dramatic Dr. Who music plays, only to stop abruptly.*
PHELOUS: Ha ha, I'm not doing that joke anymore. In fact, this entire skit is kind of terrible isn't it, so lets end it right here.
"DR. CLEF": What? You mean I came all this way for nothing?
PHELOUS: Fiiiiine. You can do a one-liner… but just one!
"DR. CLEF": Okay then. Ahem: *Dr. Who music begins playing again* Get these motherfucking Skips off my motherfucking plane!
*Music suddenly stops.*PHELOUS: Really? That's the best you could come up with.
"DR. CLEF": Oh shut up, it's not like your show is much better.
PHELOUS: Ha ha, you see that was funny beacuse my show has terrible production values, so by saying that my show isn't much better than that terrible one liner Clef is making a humorous comparison to-*Dr. Clef shoots Phelous*
PHELOUS: *cough* *hak*, Mmmm, watcha saaaayyyy…
*Dr. Clef shoots Phelous again. Cue credits.*
"Well given that I got transferred to freakin' Antarctica, I'm not exactly first in line to learn this kind of stuff." Dr. Edison coughed. "So, um… what do you want me to do about it?"
"The hell if I know!" Dr. King said. "It's your movie! You do something about it!"
Dr. Edison paused as he gave the problem some thought. "Okay." he said, "Here's what you do…"
FILM BRAIN: I'm Film Brain, and welcome to Bad Movie Beatdown! Today we're going to take a look at Michael Bay's SCP Foundation 6, undoubtedly the worst movie of our generation. It's so bad that it has the dubious honor of being the only movie to somehow wind up with a negative Metacritic score. And belive me, this movie deserves it.
*Cut to Phelous, wearing the Dr Clef costume*
PHELOUS: Not so fast, Film Brain! Your data is about to be Ex-Punged!FILM BRAIN: No, Phelous, I am not doing another crossover with you.
PHELOUS: Oh come one! But I brought out the costume and every-
FILM BRAIN: NO.
*Phelous slinks away, while a violin plays in the background*
"I don't understand…" said O5-3. "How exactly does making more movies solve the problem?
"It's quite simple, really." said Dr. Edison, adjusting his sunglasses. "With a few exceptions, movies only get worse and worse as more sequels keep being made. So I figured that if we make enough sequels, we'll eventually make a movie so bad that it will erase the entire franchise from the collective unconscious!"
O5-3 shook his head. "I can think of so many reason that that wouldn't have worked."
"Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking either." said Dr. Edison. "In fact, I think I actually made things worse… But you have to admit, we're making a killing off the merchandise!"
The O5 glared at Edison.
"Um… should I back to Antarctica?"
"Yep."
 |
|
| Thermal imaging of an instance of SPC-3284 |
|---|
Item #: SPC-3284-J
Object Class: Great White
Shark Punching Contingencies: Due to the extreme heat, instances of SPC-3284 are nearly impossible to engage in their natural habitat. The current protocol for dealing with SPC-3284 infestations is to drain the lava lake they are located in, and then move in to punch them while wearing heat-proof armor.
Description: SPC-3284 is a species of silicon-based life form that superficially resemble C. Carcharias. Instances of SPC-3284 typicality inhabit bodies of molten lava, and have a unique physiology that allows them to "swim" though it as easily as an ordinary shark swims through water. They do not seem to require sustenance beyond the thermal energy provided by their environment, but will attempt to consume any organic material they can reach. The mechanism used to detect organic material is unknown at this time.
SPC-3284 was first discovered during a raid on a Marshall, Carter and Shark Ltd. facility, where they were using genetic engineering and [DATA EXPUNGED] to produce designer sharks to sell to the highest bidders. Using documents acquired from the raid, Center agents were able to track a shipment of SPC-3284 to a lava lake in the Democratic Republic of Congo. Since then, at least █ infestations of SPC-3284 have been discovered, including one in ████████████ National Park. Current research suggests that populations of SPC-3284 annually migrate to new locations though the Earth's mantle. This, combined with their ability to live off thermal energy, may explain why their populations are so widespread. Efforts to drill through the mantle are ongoing.
 |
|
| SCP-∞+1-J-1 |
|---|
Item #: SCP-∞+1-J
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: .
Description: SCP-∞+1-J-1 is a 1 x 1 x 1 m cube made of an unknown alloy. SCP-∞+1-J-1 has a number of unusual effects, but the most readily apprent one is that any subject who touches it will receive incredible martial arts talent for the next 24 hours. However, there is a %██ percent chance that making contact with the object will also dive the subject completely and irreversibly insane.
When the latch on the top is opened, SCP-∞+1-J-1 contians a small hole leading to an alternate dimension known as SCP-∞+1-J-2.
SCP-∞+1-J is believed to be sentient, and is responsible for over █ CK-class reality shifts that have drastically altered the course of human history. Events influenced by these shifts have included [REDACTED], [DATA EXPUNGED], Hurricane Katrina, [REDACTED] and the television show █████████████ not being funny anymore.
Item #:
 |
|
| THIS IS THE SCP PLEASE DONT STARE AT IT FOR TOO LONG |
|---|
ITEM NUMBER SCP ELEVENDY ZILLION J
OBJECT CLASS SAFE BUT VERY ANNOYING
SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES SCP ELEVENDY ZILLION J IS TO BE KEPT IN A LOCKED FILING CABINET IN THAT SITE WHERE DOCTOR █████████████ WORKS IN THE ROOM WHERE THAT BAG THAT EATS THINGS IS KEPT.
NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO GO NEAR IT EXCEPT FOR TESTING PURPOSES AND ANYONE EXPOSED TO IT FOR MORE THAN A DAY MUST HAVE B-CLASS AMNESICS BEFORE RETURNING TO DUTY
SPECIAL CONTAINMENT PROCEDURES SCP ELEVENDY ZILLION J IS A CAPS LOCK KEY THAT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED BY SHOUTING OR BY WRITING IN CASUAL LANGUAGE USING ONLY CAPITAL LETTERS AND NO PUNCTUATION ALSO YOU CAN'T USE NUMBERS TO DESCRIBE IT FOR SOME REASON WHICH IS WHY WE HAD TO GIVE IT A MADE UP SCP NUMBER AND ANYONE WHO CONTINUES TO WRITE OR TALK ABOUT IT FORGETS HOW TO USE PUNCTUATION AND NUMBERS AND EVENTUALLY STARTS TO TALK LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME THANKFULLY THESE CAN BE LEARNED AGAIN AND THE OBJECTS NUMBERS CAN BE APPROXIMATED BY MAKING COMPARISONS TO OTHER THINGS
RECOVERY LOG ELEVENDY ZILLION J SCP ELEVENDY ZILLION J WAS FOUND ON THE ████████████ TECH SUPPORT FORUM WHERE SOME GUY WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT A STUCK CAPS LOCK KEY WHICH IS WHEN WE NOTICED THE EFFECT SO WE SENT THE MOBILE TASK FORCE NICKNAMED INSIDE VOICES TO RECOVER IT BUT WE THINK THERE ARE OTHER INSTANCES OF THIS SCP OUT IN THE WILD DUE TO STRANGE BEHAVIOR ON VARIOUS MESSAGE BOARD
Item #: SCP-XXX
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXX is to be stored in an airtight storage locker located in the biohazard wing of Site-██. All testing requires the approval by a Level-4 researcher, and all tests must be performed in a sterile, odorless testing chamber. In the case of a containment breach, Mobile Task Force Gamma-17 ("Smelling Salts") are to spray the surrounding area with an industrial strength cleaning solvent in order to contain the spread of SCP-XXX-2. Any living beings that show signs of SCP-XXX-2 infection are to be terminated to avoid further spread of SCP-XXX-2.
Description:
 |
|
| SCP-682 shortly after escaping from containment, still recovering from acid immersion. |
|---|
Strange Thing Number: 682
Object Class: Very Bad
What To Do With This Strange Thing: Strange Thing Number 682 must be killed as soon as possible. At this time, we do not know how to kill Strange Thing Number 682, only how to hurt it.
Strange Thing Number 682 must be put in a five by five by five room with thick walls that won't break. The room should be filled with water that eats things. Any attempts of the thing to move, speak, or escape should acted on quickly and with full force.
Men and women are not allowed to speak to Strange Thing Number 682, for fear of making it mad. All guys who try to talk with it are to be taken away.
Because it tries to leave so much and is very bad, it is to be put in a hidden place far away from anything else.
What The Strange Thing Is: Strange Thing Number 682 is a really large animal. It appears to be very bright and can talk. It also hates everything; we know this because it said so when we asked.
It is very strong and fast, and it can change what it looks like. It can eat anything, and it can get better if hurt. It can come back to life even if most of it is missing. If it escapes, it is to be taken back, but no fewer than seven guys are allowed to take it on at once. As of right now, it has tried to escape ten-and-seven times and escaped six times.
More Stuff: What Strange Thing Number 682 Said When We Talked To It
Doctor: Now, why did you kill those food making guys?Strange Thing Number 682: (SAYS NOTHING)
Doctor: If you don't say anything, I will place you back in-
Strange Thing Number 682: (IT SAID SOMETHING BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHAT)
Doctor: What did you say? (Moves closer)
Strange Thing Number 682: …they were…
Doctor: (To bad guy used for this thing) We still can't hear it! Get closer!
Bad Guy: His throat's not right, man! He is not talking- (screams)
Strange Thing Number 682: …they were… not nice to look at.
Doctor: (Leaves room very quickly)
<End>
More Stuff: What Happened When We Tried To Kill It
Doctor tried to use Strange Thing Number 409 on Strange Thing Number 682
0400: It touched Strange Thing Number 409. Strange Thing Number 682 began to tear at the point that it touched, causing a lot of tearing to the area. Strange Thing Number 682 asks several times to know what it had just touched.
0800: Strange Thing Number 682 begins turning into more Strange Thing Number 409, but it goes much slower than normal.
1200: Strange Thing Number 682 shows signs of being in a lot of pain, and begins shaking a lot.
1300: Strange Thing Number 682 turning into more Strange Thing Number 409 stops at 62%. Hurt area bursts, causing a lot of pain to Strange Thing Number 682.
1400: Strange Thing Number 682 starts to get better, even though it lost it's arms and legs. Strange Thing Number 682 says that it will attempt to kill and eat all the people who did this thing to him.
Now Strange Thing Number 682 can not be hurt by Strange Thing Number 409. Use of other Strange Things to kill Thing Number 682 must now first be used on small bits of Strange Thing Number 682 before we do the rest of it.
By another doctor's plan, two other doctors have asked to kill Strange Thing Number 682 using Strange Thing Number 689. We are now waiting to see if this allowed.
It has also been suggested by Mr. Gears to use Strange Thing Number 182 in an attempt to talk with Strange Thing Number 682. Thing Number 182 does not want to, and will not enter the place where Strange Thing Number 682 is, if at all possible.
Tales
One day, Dr. Edison was translating a passage SCP-1050 that was written in Sumerian cuneiform. "Aaaand… THERE!" he said, "All done! Now let's see how the passage reads…" he took a moment to clear his throat. "Beware the Destroyers. They come by the millions from the Realm of Darkness which extends where no stars shine.7 For a thousand generations They slumber, lying in wait. Great nations rise and flourish. There is peace and prosperity. Then comes the Dark Times yadda yadda yadda they are as a deluge, a powerful flood that washes away entire mighty nations and empires. The people pray for deliverance from the gods. The gods fight the Destroyers, but their efforts are in vain, yadda yadda yadda proclaimed again by King Gilgamesh of Uruk."
"LIAR! I SAID NO SUCH THING, MONGREL!" Suddenly, a man kicked down the door, and stormed into the room. "HOW DARE SUCH BLASPHEMY ESCAPE YOUR TONGUE"
"AAAGH!" Edison dropped his pen in fright. "Who the hell are you?"
"I am none other than King Gilgamesh." said the man, "And you would do well to address me as 'your higness', lest I lose my temper and cut you down to size."
"But arn't you supposed to be dead…" Dr. Edison gulped. "…your higness?"
Gilgamesh laughed "Well it's a very long story but suffice it to say that the reports of my death were greatly exaggerated." He then pointed a sword to Edison's throat. "Now I'll give you one chance… tell me why you spread such lies in your wake, or I shall strike you down where you stand."
Edison's knees began to shake. "I- I was just traslating SCP O-One Oh F-Five Oh. It's a… erm… monolith covered writings from f-famous rulers throughout history, w-warning of something called the d-destroyers…"
"And you take such nonsense seriously?" Gilgamesh glared at the cowering researcher.
"No sir- I mean your higness. A lot of us d-don't think they exist. It's j-just my job to translate-"
"Ah, I see…" Gilgamesh sleathed his sword, much to Edison's relief. "Then if these words which you speak are not your own, then who's, prey tell, are they?"
"Uh… we don't actually know that either." Dr. Edison took a moment to catch his breath. "The Nazis were the first ones to find the artifact, but they didn't-"
"THEN I'M OFF TO FIGHT THE NAZIS!" said Gilgamesh "I won't rest untill I carve a trail of blood, leading to the ones who dare sully my reputation by saying that I am less than a god, when in truth I have far surpassed them!"
"You wouldn't mind some backup then, eh old chap?" Gilgamesh turned his head to see none other than Lord Blackwood slithering through the doorway. "I was just on my daily 'walkabout' (as the Australasians call it), and I couldn't help but overhear your plight." he flexed one of his antenne "Though we may not see eye-to-eye at times, we both know that a man is only as good as his honor. And if your goal is to claim your lost honor, then I would most delighted to accompany you."
Gilgamesh gave a hearty laugh. "You may indeed tag along, my curious little friend!" Gilgamesh said. "If nothing else, you will make good comic relief. Let us be off, then! To the Gilgamesh-mobile!"
"Wait!" said Dr. Edison. "I can I come too?"
Gilgamesh and Lord Black wood stared at Dr. Edison for a moment, and then burst out laughing.
A few hours later, Gilgamesh and Lord Blackwood were speeding along the highway in the Gilgamesh-mobile, a rocket-powered gold-plated motorcycle with laser wheels and a high-def stereo system that played rock music whenever Gilgamesh was doing something awesome (which was pretty much all the time). Hitler's castle loomed off in the distance, there was no mistaking it's skull-shaped turrets, obsidian brickwork, fiery lava moat fueled by the souls of the dammed.
"That's our destination." Lord Blackwood said, looking at the castle through his binoculars. "All that stands between us and the leader of the Third Reich is about a million soldiers, some tanks, and about a dozen dinosaurs cloned by Nazi scientists."
"Not enough of a challenge if you ask me…" Gilgamesh sighed. "You take the wheel Blackwood, something tells me that the Nazis have a trick or two up their sleeve…"
Reluctantly, the sea slug crawled into the drivers seat, while Gilgamesh took the sidecar. "You do know what you're doing, right?" said Lord Blackwood.
"Not in the slightest." Gilgamesh replied. "And if I don't know what I'm doing, than neither will the Nazis. Thats the beauty of my plan."
Suddenly, the ground began to shake. Gilagmesh looked every which way for the source of the rumbling, before an enormous black shark leaped out of the ground, right in front of the two adventurers. If Lord Blackwood hadn't learned to recognize the signs of a Land-Shark attack during his travels through the earth's hollow interior, he wouldn't have been able to swerve out of the way just in time to avoid becoming shark bait.
"That was close one!" he said. "To think that the Nazis were breeding Land Sharks all this time!"
"No… not Land Sharks." Gilgamesh said, ducking out of the way as a laser beam flew past his face. "CYBORG Land Sharks. With lasers." he clucked. "I must, say I didn't see that coming."
"We can discuss that later old chap, perhaps over tea. But for now we have bigger things to worry about." Lord Blackwood pointed at the T-Rex mounted cavalry straight ahead. "I do say, would you mind if we split up for a moment?"
"No, not at all." said Gilgamesh. "I need a moment to stretch my legs, anyway."
Lord Blackwood pushed a button on the motorcycle, causing the sidecar to split apart from the main vehicul. Blackwood then drove straight twoards the nearest T-Rex, which lunged at Blackwood in an effort to devour the motorcycle. But at the last possible moment, Lord Blackwood pulled a wheelie, and the laser wheels burned the dinosaur's face off, creating a path that allowed Blackwood to drive up the T-Rex's neck and straight through a very surprised Nazi officer. From there he did a triple backflip, and shouted "FOR QUEEN AND COUNTRY!" before letting loose a barrage of rounds from his trusty descriptor pistol, killing a few dozen Nazis, as well as the dinosaurs they were riding on.
Meanwhile, Gilgamesh went after the land sharks, deflecting their lasers with his trusty greatsword and beheading any shark that came too close. Though the sidecar didn't have a motor, he kept his sidecar going by running over land mines and riding the explosions. Feeling confident that Blackwood could hold his own for the time being, Gilgamesh took a detour through a nazi science base, to give Captain America (who was also fighting the Nazis) a high five and help him fight The Red Skull. Gilgamesh then hijacked a fighter jet and swooped back onto the scene just in time to shoot down a nuclear missile that was heading straight for Lord Blackwood, whereupon Gilgamesh ejected from the airplane, and reattached the sidecar to the Gilgamesh-Mobile.
"Well that was rather disappointing." said Gilgamesh.
"Quite." said Blackwood. "Dictators these days don't know how to assemble a proper evil army; I haven't' seen such poorly-trained reptiles put to use since the Mole-Man rebellion of '89."
"Hopefully breaching the inner sanctum will provide more of a challenge…"
"Gentlemen, I think ve all know vhy you are here tonight." Hitler glared at the six figures seated around the swastika-shaped table.
He flicked a switch on the slide projector, and an image of a skateboard-riding robot holding a golden machine gun and wearing a cowboy hat appeared behind the Fuhrer. "The allies' reserch into awesomeness ez far outpacing our own." he then switched to a slide showing a man having his eyeballs removed by a bald eagle. "I mean they've already build a gun zat shoots eagles for Christ's sake. A GUN ZAT SHOOTS EAGLES! How could we possibly compete with zhat?" He gestured to the rest of the group. "Thus, I have assembled a coalition of zhe most evil men in zhe vorld!
Abel, the Vampire King!
Freiherr von Schwarzwald, guardian of the Black Forest!
Jester, the mirthful master of murder!
Pesterbot, the most annyoing thing in the universe!
Vector, a comic book supervillain who hasn't realized she's in a creepypasta series!
And The Evil Father From Dead Poet's Society!
Together we are the 666th Black Star of the Reich, and our combined evilness will make crushing the allies little more than child's play! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Following Hitler's lead, the entire table roared with maniacal laughter, except for Abel who was the team badass (and as we all know the team badass never laughs at anything).
" El Fisto The Mighty, The King of Decapitation, is curious." said Pesterbot. "By what means do the allies of Dios, The Ultimate Destiny Apocalypse, plan to destroy all that is good and right in the world before they are ultimately destroyed by Armagettron, the Noble Phantasm, in a shocking betrayal that will rock the universe to it's very core?"
"I am getting to that!" Hitler switched to a slide with the words "Operation Fimbulvinter" printed in big letters. "Zhat is why I am today introducink Operation Fim… Fimbul… Fimbuvun… Fum…" the leader of the Third Reich struggled to pronounce the norse word to no avail. Not wanting to lose face, he hastily scribbled out the loquacious word, and wrote something much shorter. "Operation Skull!" he said.
He then changed to a slide of a large black obelisk. "Zhe plan is broken in four parts. In step vun, ve vill make a black obelisk covered in writing that broadcasts vague warnings about some sort of made-up alien threat." The next slide depicted some scientists wearing Nazi armbands examining the obelisk. "In step two, ve vill pretend we found it, and 'accidently' leak it to the accursed SCP Foundation." The slide after that depicted Nazi soldiers drinking and celebrating in view of Uncle Sam's corpse. "Finally, in step four ve crush the allied powers, leaving nothing to stop us from taking over the-" Hitler paused, and then started digging through the projector slides. "Just vun moment, zhere vas supposed to be another slide between zhose last two…"
Suddenly, a nazi soldier burst through the door, panting and wheezing. "Mein fuhrer!" he said. "We're under attack!"
"VHAT?!" said Hitler. "Who ess it! Zhe Amerikans? Zhe Russains?"
"No, worse!" the soldier said. "It's Lord Blackwood, and Gilgamesh!"
"Nein! Nein Nein Nein Nein!" Hitler pounded the table over and over again. "Zhey vill ruin everythink! Everyone, get to battle stations immediately!"
"Of course, mein furher." said Freiherr von Schwarzwald. "I am always at your command."
"I can't wait to get started…" said Vector.
"I CAN'T WAIT TO MURDER MORE PEOPLE!" said Jester.
"Dracuborg the Great, the Prince of Death, will crush all who stand before him!" said Pesterbot.
"No son of mine is going to live in a country where freedom of expression is allowed! Count me in!" said The Evil Father From Dead Poet's Society.
"-pfft. Whatever." said Abel, putting on his sunglasses.
"Ooh! Ooh! Can I help?" said Delivery Agent Roadrunner.
Everyone stared at Delivery Agent for a moment, and then burst out laughing. And then they threw him into the scorpion pit for asking such a stupid question.
Editor's Note:
For the last time, no: I'm not going to be translating SCP-2337's answers. I've got at least three Euclids that are potentially going Keter by the end of the week, and I've wasted enough time building a keyboard with a "Cack!" button to care about making sense of whatever that bird is spouting. If you're going to write an English-Spanko Dictionary, do it on your own time. Just keep in mind that the last guy who tried went completely insane. Last I checked he was checked into one of our psych wards, still screaming about Foundation Dreadlords or whatever.
Anyway, just leave any questions you have in the box below, and I'll try to get an answer out of SCP-2337.
-Dr. Edison