SCP-001-B-J: "Dr. Bright's Penis"

Item#: SCP-001

Object Class: Keter

Special Containment Procedure: Please find one. FAST.

Description: SCP-001, in its normal state, is a 1' long rubber penis that makes a squeaky noise. However, this calm state is rarely seen, for this SCP could be one of the most horryfying SCPs known to man. Out of its calm state, the penis grows human features (eyes, mouth, arms and legs and nose) and bounces around in a state of chaotic motion. Dr. Bright says that it's his penis… but then again, he says that EVERYTHING is his penis, so one cannot just assume.

Notes: SCP-001 keeps doing everything that it can to piss off staff, including, but not limited to:

  • Making Agent [NAME WITHELD] sing "Nugget in a Biscuit"
  • Shoving itself up nostrils and [DATA EXPUNGED], causing loss of Nasal Virginity (I DON'T WANT TO KNOW)
  • Imitating Simon Cowell
  • Unlocking SCP-682's enclosure
  • giving Dr. Bright a chainsaw
  • playing "California Gurls" over top-secret transmissions
  • singing "Friday" by Rebecca Black
  • Ace Vetura impressions
  • making an army of male and female genitalia out of SCP-387 (Oddly enough… and unfortunately… SCP-387 counts SCP-001 as a human… Who knew that Legos could [DATA EXPUNGED])
  • Using SCP-5555 to summon other-dimensional SCPs
  • Using bad language when addressing personel, such as: "Dr. [EXPLICIT] Gears" or also referring to Dr. Light as "The best [EXPLICIT] ever"
  • attepting to give SCP-239 the entire Harry Potter collection
  • Rickrolling EVERYONE
  • Jackslapping people while chanting "tiddlypottical doodlesacs" over and over
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