How to Incapacitate a Shark
Written by Dr. Trodglen
Edited /02/13/95
If you're reading this I'll assume you have some trouble with sharks in your day-to-day. Luckily for you sharks aren't much of an issue if you know how to give em' the ole' fuck you.
As you might know, a shark is a very large fish with sharp teeth. In most cases a shark is about two to three times larger than you are, but, again, not a problem if you know what you're doing.
I'm going to assume also that you're fighting the shark unarmed. If you learn how to fight a shark unarmed, you'll be able to subdue the shark that much more effectively when equipped with a proper weapon, like a knife.
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| Proper form when punching a shark. |
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The first thing you're going to want to do is not get bitten by the shark. I know this will probably be a problem because you don't usually see the shark until it has a limb or two chomped clean off, but the main thing is awareness. Make sure you're aware of sharks at all times, even when not in the water. Try to assume there are sharks everywhere you're going; in the supermarket, on the street, and at the library. Try to prepare yourself for an actual encounter as often as possible.
I know it may sound silly, but the shark's main weakness is a punch in the face. I know, I know, ridiculous right? Well, not really. Here's a little story about a man who once punched a great white shark back into the ocean.
James E. Walter was a fisherman living off the coast of the east coast of Florida. He was in his boat one day when a storm pulled through, knocking him overboard. In the middle of all the lightning and rain he noticed that his legs were missing, when he looked down he noticed a red pool and a large carcharodon underneath him. Without thinking, James pulled back and punched the shark in the nose, causing critical damage. The shark coughed up his legs and they were later reattached in surgery.
With quick thinking you can escape any shark-related fatality. All it takes is a balled fist and a shark's nose. Here are the steps:
- Be aware of the shark before the shark is aware of you.
- Brace for the shark.
- Try to punch the shark in the nose while it's still charging toward you to maximize damage.
- Retreat, or continue to beat the shark (punching a shark is probably the best feeling you will ever experience second only to punching a Kodiak bear and punching a rhinoceros).